I have put much consideration into the act (feeling?) of being apathetic towards everything and everyone. And I have come to a grand conclusion. It would be far to exhausting to exhibit such behaviors.
I see people who do it. Avoiding the drama, not giving a shit. I mean there is a time and place I suppose we could find that important for self preservation. But how overwhelming to put all of your time and effort into something unavoidable in the daily modern life.
If you want to have a life, have friends, experience things of great pleasure, you cannot be apathetic to the world. You have to feel! You have to make an opinion, a view, and care!
And those are my thoughts today.
Ilysm! It’s a beautiful day to be alive.
So I had this crazy dream last night that I just need to share. Dream analyzation is an interest and a hobby of mine. It’s amazing to me how the subconscious expresses our deepest fears and worries so dramatically.
So I’m in this big building hiding out with other people I know. Think apocalyptic hotel style! We were living there and hiding out. And suddenly we were being chased by things (people?!? Still to be determined).
I find myself running through a field and off the edge of a cliff (gasp). But land on a small piece of land and magically a rope appears for me to climb back up!!! Which is so amazing because I definitely cannot see myself climbing this rope in real life. So I climb away and then, an avalanche of mud is flying down at me!
I’m covered and I’m climbing and I make it to the top! And run back inside and take a long shower.
Then I was awoken by my alarm.
Anyways, I just wanted to share as this is the perfect way to describe the fight for life. Things keeping coming at you, so much adulting, so much cleaning up messes we make! But you have to keep trying, keep grinding! Even if that means climbing a rope up a cliff through mud!
You can do anything!
As the stress of my crumbling life sinks in. I do all the healthy things I’m supposed to do. I cope, I get out of bed everyday, go to work, exercise, try to eat healthy.
It feels like a show again. I’m back at the point where I am doing all the normal things to save face. Limiting my social encounters. I have nothing to talk about anyways, my life is all the same.
Same problems, same bullshit, different day. I guess this is the calling card for being so stuck you aren’t sure you want to get unstuck anymore.
I don’t even care what I’m wearing anymore. There are some days I don’t even brush my hair. No one notices anyways. Just filling in the gaps between sleeping.
So I guess you could call this depressed. Which is funny because you think of depressed people as crying and unhappy. But I’m not really either. I’m more indifferent. Just struggling to keep my head above water. Winning but just struggling.
Most of all I’ve been struggling to love myself. My eating disorder is showing its ugly head. Though with support, I am really trying hard not to lose my progress there.
I just don’t understand what people see in me anymore. I don’t get it. I’ll just keep trucking on till I get through this. I am going to get through this, right?
When you become an adult the dynamic of which you approach the relationship with your parents changes. Suddenly you are two adults conversing. On the same level. One with usually much more knowledge and experience to be heard.
This was not my adult experience with my parents. My mother left my step dad whilst he was on his death bed. Literally. She had cheated on him, filed for divorce and moved out of state. He had no other friends or family to be heard from.
Suddenly, as a young adult, here I was taking care of the man who shot so much abuse at me as a child. This had many different effects on me….
I blamed my Mom for leaving and not being a strong parent and seeing this through. I resented her even. I felt a power shift between my step dad and myself. Suddenly I was able to talk back and put him in his place. It was almost therapeutic sometimes. Like some sense of great justice was served.
I saved his life twice. I cleaned up after him? Did his shopping and chores and errands. Cleaned up the messes he made with caregivers by him being an asshole. Apologized for him. For years.
Finally, we bonded. And even though he was the greatest fucking asshole in the world, I was thankful for him. In some sick twisted way I was thankful I had some Dad, even a shitty one.
And then he died. I got the call about 1 AM. I knew it was coming. I had said my peace and said my goodbyes. And he was just gone.
I was relieved.
Valentine’s Day is the biggest mind fuck ever. It’s celebrating the violent death of a saint but also it’s this competition for who gets the biggest gift from their significant other.
It’s such a joke I generally boycott it completely. It’s easier to not compete than it is to be disappointed year after year. But this year I find myself totally missing it. And not for the gifts.
I miss someone loving me enough to try. I miss being excited about love. I miss having exciting plans with someone. I miss the dumb stupid cute stuffed animals.
I’m such a cliche today but whatever. It’s how I feel.
Another wonderfully disappointing day, yet I’m alive, I’m here.
There are so many secrets that no one knows. So many things I hold so deeply inside. Things not meant to be said. Things people aren’t meant to know. I need to let these things go. They are crippling.
Honestly, because a lot of them have to do with sex and rape, they have totally screwed up my views on love and sex. So who do I tell? God? My friends? I’m not really in the mood to be judged. I really don’t think I could handle the look on the therapist face when I tell him how many men I’ve slept with.
Damn, why does it have to be so embarrassing to have these secrets. I’m so fucking sick of slut shaming myself. I’m so sick of feeling this way.
But how do I move on without telling someone? How do I let this go? I’m glad I survived but where are the rest of my pieces?
It’s a beautiful night to be alive.
I can’t sleep. I can’t sleep because I’m thinking about 100 things. I can’t sleep because everything is too noisy. I can’t sleep because I have to work tomorrow and the anxiety is crippling me.
I can’t sleep because I’m not happy right now. I can’t sleep because I feel sick. I can’t sleep because all my worries are haunting me in the shadows of my room.
I can’t sleep. I am going crazy. Send help.